The Trouble With Roy

“My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad” is pretty much exactly what the internet is all about:  sharing knowledge with humanity, and always, always, questioning.  Like today’s article:  Can Killer Bees Beat Up A Polar Bear?

In the 1970s, there were only two things that threatened life in the United States: Skylab, and killer bees. They were equally dangerous: Skylab was going to drop out of the sky, possibly in pieces, and destroy everything. Yes, even destroy those running shorts that were made of material like a tablecloth and had the cool racing stripes down the side.

Killer bees were even worse. As a threat to domestic peace, Al Qaeda has nothing on killer bees. I bet I have seen 10,000,000 news stories in my life warning me about killer bees. Even Dane Cook has heard of killer bees.

I don’t know what ever happened to Skylab. As a threat to our way of life, it faded away. Killer bees did not.

So killer bees: more dangerous than Skylab. But how would they stack up against the most vicious killer the world has never seen — never seen because it’s transparent?

That’s right: transparent. Polar bears are transparent. I am quoting from a source no less impressive than my 8th grade science teacher, Mr. Magestro (a real person!) who told us that polar bears’ fur is not white, but clear. There is a scientific reason for this that Mr. Magestro would be proud to know I have retained, except that I did not retain the scientific reason for why a polar bear’s fur is clear.

But it is. The follicles are clear, and I know it for a fact because Mr. Magestro told us that they’re also hollow and that once in a zoo a polar bear turned green because mold grew in the hair follicles. Since my memory = proven fact, that settles that.

So could killer bees beat up a transparent carnivore?

Killer bees: From an initial start of 26 queens meant to improve honey production, killer bees have spread and spread and spread. There are by some estimates (mine) more than 100 billion killer bees for every square foot of earth. Killer bees now outnumber killer whales by a 250-1 ratio, and they outnumber members of “The Killers” rock group by a factor of billions, making killer bees the most numerous killers on the planet. They are spreading northward at a rate of 100-200 miles per year, or roughly the rate that I travel when jogging. They will, at that pace, reach the Arctic Circle in, I’d say, a decade, by which time they will have also evolved to be furrier and more hardy.

Yes, they will evolve, Ben Stein.

Polar Bears, amazingly, also started from a colony of 26 queens meant to improve honey production. Just kidding! Polar bears migrated to our world when Lord Asriel ripped open the Aurora by killing that poor boy. Once here, they realized how much fiercer they were than everyone else, and lost the armor. They were also, though, stupider than everyone else because they stayed in the north pole.

Polar Bears have as weapons claws, teeth, muscles, and the ability to be cute enough to start an international controversy involving some people wanting cute little bears to die because that’s nature. If only nature were so kind as to separate those people from the rest of us. Adult male polar bears can weigh up to 1,500 pounds. Polar bears are reported to be as smart as apes, too. A polar bear’s paw can be 12″ across (which makes it not a paw, but a ‘foot’. Ha!) And its claws are sharp enough to help grip ice. And they have 42 teeth. Polar bears are protected from the cold by blubber which is over 4″ thick.

Killer bees have stingers. They sting and sting and sting and sting. Oh, their stingers are attached to venom sacs. Killer bee venom, they say, isn’t any worse than honeybee venom. Unless you count getting a bazillion doses of it as “worse,” which you should. Once one killer bee attacks, it marks the victim with a pheromone that draws other bees. They come a flyin’ and attackin’.

How the fight would go: The killer bees, having grown tired of America, would see the polar bears as the last threat to the dominance they hope to establish until the squirrels take over. Or the polar bears would finally figure out that they’ve been suckered and they’re living in the Arctic Circle when places like Key West exist, and start moving south.

Once they meet, though, the polar bears would (as they always do) send out their champion to meet in single combat. That would fail, because even if the bees tried to honor polar bear conventions (it’s only polite, after all), once that first sting landed and the pheromones flew, the other bees couldn’t hold back. Not that they’d try all that much. They’re not called “Restrained, Polite Bees,” after all.

From there, it would be a numbers’ game. Since it takes 5-10 stings from a killer bee per pound of body weight, we’re talking a lot of stings to bring down a ton and a half of bear. The killer bees would have it, though– one hive has five times as many guards as your ordinary hive, and killer bees can stay at it for hours. Running wouldn’t even help — killer bees can chase their prey up to a mile. Swatting wouldn’t help, and those claws aren’t meant for close work.

The polar bear could always duck into the water. But that’s losing, too, right? He stays alive, but ashamed, reduced to claiming that he’s winning the big states and has more superdelegates, or that the videotapes didn’t even help in the Superbowls.

Verdict: The killer bees win. Just like they did over Skylab.

What, you thought it was going to be all superheroes and wizards? Hardly. I am dedicated to settling the question of who… or what… would win any fight. (You can be dedicated, too– just send in your fight and I’ll tell you who would win. Or send in your fight and you tell me who would win.)

Show of hands: how many people would like to see Killer bees & a polar bear vs. Dane Cook?

The Best of Everything is now located at http://www.troublewithroy.com/ — so change your bookmarks and links (and enter the Great Linking Contest). New location, same great stuff: Recent posts include The Best Simpson Sister, The Best Female Chef, and The Best Lead in A Romantic Comedy.

Squirrels
by

brianefp

Get this custom shirt
at Zazzle