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Can Gamera Beat Up Zeus?

Humans have always had their gods. From the dawn of time, we have looked up at the sky and pondered heady questions, questions that have troubled cave men, kept Renaissance monks up at night, caused the explorers to toss and turn as they came to the New World, distracted the Founding Fathers from their duties writing the Constitution, and brought down productivity in offices around the world. Questions like where did we come from? Were we put here for some divine purpose?

Questions like can a guy who came from another, larger guy’s forehead beat up a thing that was created by nuclear explosions?

That question, by the way, is actually embedded in the U.S. Constitution in code. Go read it, and write down every fourth letter, skipping Article III as you do that, and you’ll see that I’m right.

Zeus, as anyone who is a pantheistic ancient Greek or 8th grade social studies student knows, is the Father of the Gods, only he’s not really, because Zeus was not only not the first god, he wasn’t even the first-born kid in his family. He had five older brothers and sisters, but Zeus managed to lord it over them even as the runt of the litter because they were all swallowed by their father, while Zeus escaped to luckily (?) be nursed by a goat.

Gamera has a much less bizarre pedigree., albeit one that includes three origins, only one of which, luckily (!) includes Gamera’s lung being impregnated by another monster. (Once you read that story, you realize that it really is true that the Internet contains every possible kind of porn.) Depending on who you believe, Gamera either was a prehistoric giant fire-eating turtle that was only awakened by nuclear explosions; or he was created to protect humankind from pterodactyls, or he was the son of a turtle that died heroically saving earth.

Wikipedia, it should be noted, heroically believes all three. Orwell would have loved Wikipedia.

Zeus’ powers: Controlling thunder, lighting, and rain. Forcing his father to regurgitate his siblings. Seducing women — sometimes destroying them in the process because he seduced them while in the form of lightning and thunder. Convincing his two brothers that he should get Earth while they get under the sea, and Hell. Bringing peace in place of violence.

Gamera’s powers: Flying. Breathing fire. Eating fire. Protecting humanity from pterodactyls. Befriending young boys, but not in a creepy way. Being giant.

How would the fight go? It seems to me that it would have to start because Gamera would want to protect humanity from Zeus seducing them all and/or tricking them all into living in the underworld. Once Gamera began to take notice of that, he’d have to head off to Mount Olympus to take on Zeus.

It’s doubtful that Zeus could convince Gamera to settle for peace instead of violence, or seduce Gamera. Gamera’s a turtle and they’re not easily tricked.

It’s also doubtful that Zeus could count on the help of the other gods, who are easily tricked but who by now have thousands of years of resentment built up.

So Zeus would have to resort to weather control. And what good would that do? Weather control is not a great power. Storm on the X-men could control weather, and I don’t even think she was ever brought along on missions. Plus, it’s ineffective against a turtle: Gamera could pull himself into his shell and avoid the rain and winds — and those would have to be awfully powerful winds to affect a giant spinning turtle of fire.

Zeus has thunderbolts, but the last I checked, turtle shells don’t conduct electricity. And, lest you doubt me, I suggest you check yourself, the way I did, by Googling “do turtle shells conduct electricity.” If you do that, like I did, since I am devoted to researching to make sure my conclusions are correct, you’ll find what I did: a lot of websites that appear to be warnings not to buy turtle shells. From which I conclude that they do not conduct electricity.

So Gamera could easily avoid Zeus’ attacks or be unaffected by them, and it would not take much for him to lay waste to a little temple on a mountaintop. He destroyed Fake Tokyo, after all.

Verdict: Gamera would waste Zeus.

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